I was going to write something heart warming about my son being home for the holidays. I’ve missed him so and I just wanted to be positive about the whole thing. It sucks wasting precious time on negative energy…but dammit, this visit is much harder than I anticipated.
I wanted us to spend time together laughing and cherishing the few moments we have…He’s only going to be here until the 31, not even two full weeks. Instead I’ve been mediating silly misunderstandings between the boys, which I suppose is normal, but I just wanted them to hang out, have fun and love each other.
Well…when I walked in from work today, my sister was yelling at the boys about roughhousing too much. They had spent what little dry part of the day outside but were still bubbling over with energy and she wasn’t having it. Apparently they had been wrestling and doing what boys do. The problem is that the little one couldn’t really hang and kept getting hurt…which is precisely why I hate that sort of play in the first place.
After I dealt with the initial drama I thought everything would be cool. The boys went into their room to play and were fine for a while until I hear the E yell “I’m sorry B! I’m sorry!” Then dramatic sobbing.
Dammit! What now?!
E was sitting on his bed still boo-hooing. I resisted the urge to grumble inwardly as I walked over to the bed, hearing B’s voice but not being able to figure out where he was.
“He’s under the bed mom,” E said.
“What’s wrong now?” Unfortunately my exasperation came through and the water works on E were going again. “What’s going on?”
E squealed something about B being mad at because he’d accidentally hurt B’s finger… sobbing
B interjected, “But I’m not mad. It’s just… indecipherable sobbing
What the hell?!
“Come from under there, and both of you…stop crying,” my voice was getting louder, but I didn’t want to yell. They were hysterical and needed me to be calm. “Now tell me what’s wrong.”
B: He hurt my finger, but it was an accident and he keeps saying I’m mad…and I’m not,” he squeaked the end as he held back the tears; lip quivering.
E: I said sorry, but he’s still mad at me sobbing
“He said he’s not mad,” I snapped. “How frustrating it must be that you insist he is mad, when he keeps telling you he’s not.”
B: This is why I play alone! Every time I play with someone they get hurt! huge dramatic sob
I felt like I was in some sort of warped universe. I had no idea what was going on. B obviously wasn’t talking about his finger being hurt and E was just upset because he thought he had hurt his brother. B kept saying, “I’m not used to playing with other people,” and my heart was breaking because all I wanted them to do is play and enjoy each other’s company.
Me: You have to be able to play with your brother-
B: But I can’t play with him because he’s just going to get hurt…
M: Stop focusing on something that’s over and move on to the next thing…
‘Round and round we went, until I just held them both close to me, shushing them. “Stop, stop, stop.”
Finally B pulled away and said “I just need a few minutes alone.”
“Ok,” I stood up and reached out for E’s hand. “But B, don’t wallow. Use this time to calm yourself down. I’ll check on you in a bit.”
I didn’t have time to go back to check on him before he came into my room, where E and I were slightly distressed about not being able to console B.
B: Can I talk to mom alone please?
E gave his brother a hug and smiles as he closes the door behind him.
B: You know how I was telling you that I’m used to playing alone? (I nod ) Well it’s because I don’t have any friends…the kids, they all make fun of me…”
So now we get to the root of the issue; he’s an outcast. Well, not much you can do about that other than develop thick skin and sharp wit with which to confuse any potential bullies. I told him that I understood and that he would have to be real strong. Let them hate, because people who pick on others only do it to feel better about themselves.
We had a nice long talk, followed by a group hug. We ate dinner, read a bed time story and now I’m exhausted.
Add to all of this that I forgot something really important for my mother, which I don’t even have the energy to get into…
All in all, an emotionally draining, shitty evening. sigh